What defines you?
Is it the best and worst of your past or the glories of the present? Or perhaps you like defining yourself by the very purpose you are chasing in the future.
After a long day of work (mentally), I decided to take a walk in my alma mater. Currently, sitting in the same place I did my maximum campus days "wonderings" in, I can't help but ask - Who the hell am I?
No build ups, no spoilers! Obvious answer - no one knows, no one cares. In the sense, people go their whole life leading their normal day-to-day activities without actually pausing to clarify this never-ending identity crisis. They are smart. Quite naturally this is the most twisted question of all.
Is it the best and worst of your past or the glories of the present? Or perhaps you like defining yourself by the very purpose you are chasing in the future.
After a long day of work (mentally), I decided to take a walk in my alma mater. Currently, sitting in the same place I did my maximum campus days "wonderings" in, I can't help but ask - Who the hell am I?
No build ups, no spoilers! Obvious answer - no one knows, no one cares. In the sense, people go their whole life leading their normal day-to-day activities without actually pausing to clarify this never-ending identity crisis. They are smart. Quite naturally this is the most twisted question of all.
Why do 'I' care? I care to ask this question because each time I sit at this stone step overlooking the campus lawn, I have felt different. I graduated 3 years back and have perhaps visited this same spot at least 50 times (I am very attached to my University - that shouldn't be a surprise beyond this). Sometimes, I have also made major detours to just spend a few moments alone in this spot. All for what? Perhaps, I like to constantly remind myself about the baby steps into adulthood...
I messed up. Or life messed me up. It does not matter...I messed up a lot and crawled in rock bottom way too many times to have the hope of getting up from this very spot. I had my first panic attack here. With the University students watching me in bewilderment, wondering whether I need help or will I harm them, until a familiar face ran through the crowd to hug me tight. I cried till I lost the ability to produce more tears and the best part is I don't even remember the trigger that caused me to break down.
I had my heartbreaks (more than one) at this very spot. I had my epiphany of how awesome I am right here. Most importantly this is the same spot that gave me hope and took it back and gave me hope again until I decided to stick with that hope since that is LITERALLY the only thing that will get me through this. `This...being life.
This is the same spot where I got my first job offer letter. I again had all the random students watch me but this time because I was jumping up and down with joy. I did see a few people with a smile that conveyed a silent "congratulations, stranger".
THIS is the spot I had my first dream-career-house-life vision. As I read the alumni websites and the success stories, I memorized their life-style as much as I memorized the way they achieved it. I drew a picture of the kind of Alumnus I would be. How I would feel when I walk back into the campus after a couple of years.
This is the spot I first made acquaintance with the then soon to be love of my life. Well, this is the spot where I learnt to be comfortable with saying cheesy things like - "love of my life". Even though the ONLY campus-memory I share with him is of me having my initial chats over texts, the only space I felt comfortable doing it out of was this.
I messed up. Or life messed me up. It does not matter...I messed up a lot and crawled in rock bottom way too many times to have the hope of getting up from this very spot. I had my first panic attack here. With the University students watching me in bewilderment, wondering whether I need help or will I harm them, until a familiar face ran through the crowd to hug me tight. I cried till I lost the ability to produce more tears and the best part is I don't even remember the trigger that caused me to break down.
I had my heartbreaks (more than one) at this very spot. I had my epiphany of how awesome I am right here. Most importantly this is the same spot that gave me hope and took it back and gave me hope again until I decided to stick with that hope since that is LITERALLY the only thing that will get me through this. `This...being life.
This is the same spot where I got my first job offer letter. I again had all the random students watch me but this time because I was jumping up and down with joy. I did see a few people with a smile that conveyed a silent "congratulations, stranger".
THIS is the spot I had my first dream-career-house-life vision. As I read the alumni websites and the success stories, I memorized their life-style as much as I memorized the way they achieved it. I drew a picture of the kind of Alumnus I would be. How I would feel when I walk back into the campus after a couple of years.
This is the spot I first made acquaintance with the then soon to be love of my life. Well, this is the spot where I learnt to be comfortable with saying cheesy things like - "love of my life". Even though the ONLY campus-memory I share with him is of me having my initial chats over texts, the only space I felt comfortable doing it out of was this.
The interesting thing about this spot is that NUS logo that shines in bright orange above our head. Strangely to me, it was both an indication of "you are still in the security of this campus and you have no idea what horrendous thing awaits you out there" as well as "man you have grown a lot and now you are ready to step out".
I remember my last few days in the campus. Oh yes, I of course cried a lot. But something I can never forget is how I told myself that the novelty of this campus will never fade on me...as much as the novelty of my ever-evolving identity. Turns out, it is true. It is the same damn stone step overlooking the lawn with whatsoever no addition to the overall infrastructure but feels so fresh to the eyes! Turns out that every new identity brings out a new perspective which in turn brings out your ability to push forward through the mundanity and what seems like a never-ending loop of "generic millennial problems".
I remember my last few days in the campus. Oh yes, I of course cried a lot. But something I can never forget is how I told myself that the novelty of this campus will never fade on me...as much as the novelty of my ever-evolving identity. Turns out, it is true. It is the same damn stone step overlooking the lawn with whatsoever no addition to the overall infrastructure but feels so fresh to the eyes! Turns out that every new identity brings out a new perspective which in turn brings out your ability to push forward through the mundanity and what seems like a never-ending loop of "generic millennial problems".
Well one thing remains unaltered - my ability to ramble on for hours each time I visit here. As I look up now, once again at the NUS logo and then at the window which once used to be my room, I can't help but wonder whether there is another version of me looking at the campus lawn and drawing her own dream-career-house-life perfect plan!
