"Hey man, how was your long weekend?" Yana pulled a chair to join the lunch table. Judy and Max looked up but it was Pete that she was addressing, "did you get enough sleep?"
"Is that custard?" Pete looked at Yana's plate. "Are you seriously having custard for lunch?"
"Pete, you are changing the topic" The other two smiled to themselves.
"Yanaaaa"
"Peeeete"
"Yanaaaaaaa"
"Peeeete"
"Yeah, stop it." Max interjected. "Yana, Pete was just telling us about his weekend. He was telling us about his fishing trip with his ex boyfriend's neighbour's brother. Sounds like a good trip"
Judy choked on her food and began to cough. "Yep... except for the weird connections bit"
"Alright then! Glad to know you got some semblance of company at least for a while. So we won't find you on slack at 10PM, working to kill time"
"He's interesting, to be honest. Actually he's an anthropologist. So while fishing..."
"Oooo.." Judy's eyes lit up. "My grand dad was an anthropologist. He died broke."
"Good God. That's a quick biography" Max chuckled.
"Oh no! I don't mean it in a mean way. I am just saying. I think he was super fascinating but the world does not pay you for being fascinating"
"Oh this guy gets paid alright. He is a PhD fellow and he's super good at studying people. He has been recruited by companies to help them with consumer research"
"Oh we should totally hire him" Yana spoke with a mouth full of custard. "I have a tricky Customer Interview next week and I don't know how the hell to go about it."
"Yeah yeah but back to topic. So while fishing he often brought up this book. Some Old..."
"THE OLD MAN AND THE SEA? I LOVE IT" Judy interrupted again.
"Yeah yeah yeah that book. And the best part is, he summarised the book for me in three simple sentences. I now feel as though I have read the whole book."
"Wait what's that got to do with Anthropology?" Max tried to stifle a yawn.
"Nothing. I just found him interesting. You know how sometimes you just feel way smarter by simply hanging out with certain smart people?"
"Yeah - you are welcome" Yana winked. The other two laughed as Pete rolled his eyes.
"Urgh... are you not done with your custard?"
"What's your problem with this custard?"
"How do you not have proper meals? How is dessert a meal?"
Max shook his head in amusement. "Stop judging her man. Let her be. So Yana, how was your weekend? Did something interesting?"
"Mmmm... tried to read a book. Then gave up."
"What was it about?"
"So it was this book about two friends who used to be close and now not so much and then they talk and try to find out why and blah blah. I don't know. I don't think I have the emotional capacity for this anymore"
"I actually like the premise" Judy leaned forward. "I would really like to know what they found out"
"Why? I think as adults we all have the natural tendency to grow apart. Not all this friends forever shit."
"Okay. No one is saying anything about friends forever but I still think it's interesting to figure out existing dynamics between people"
"Yeah I am growing too old for this. I don't know"
Judy smiled and decided to drop it there.
"I agree with Judy here. I have some very close friends. I would like to figure stuff out as well if things were not going well with them."
"No no! Don't get me wrong. I don't mean I don't care about my close friends. You guys know Nikhil right? He's been my best friend since... I don't know like when I was one. I love him. But he's married now and he has his life and I won't obsess about him being in my life as much as he used to and..."
"No but I don't think it's got anything to do with their mental or physical presence right? It's basically around what would happen to your state of mind if you find out that Nikhil and you don't share the same dynamic as before?"
"That's the thing Max, I don't think I care enough to start preparing myself for such a situation"
"Ah interesting" Judy smiled "So it's not that you don't care. It's just that you don't want to ponder about these things until you are in that situation"
"Unless, I am in that situation. Yes" Yana corrected Judy and reciprocated the smile. The waiter arrived with Pete's post-lunch coffee order. He sat up and took the first sip.
"So you are in denial" Pete tried to jump into the conversation.
"That is not what Yana was saying at all"
"Sorry. I lost you guys way before then."
"Yeah, just drink your coffee man" Max sat back in his chair and stretched. "Actually Judy, how did your grand dad pick up anthropology as a subject in that generation? I mean, sorry if I sound crass but isn't that only something rich folks would do, who don't have to care about paying rent?"
"I just said, he died broke." Judy continued to smile. One unique thing about Judy is that the length of her smile is directly proportional to the depth of her thought. "I don't know. I really liked him. Actually both him and my grand ma. I spent a lot of time with them while growing up. My grand ma worked, which is cool given she is a woman of that generation. Technically she was the breadwinner of the family. My grand dad just really liked reading books and studying people. I remember him telling me that he wanted to be a family psychologist or something but his dad looked down upon anything mental health related...you know...all the taboo. So he like got a scholarship for some Anthropology course within Hungary so he kinda went against the family's will. Ah it's a whole long story"
"Wow. Yeah this friend I was telling you about needed to fight with him family as well. This was like in 2018 when he decided to pursue this direction. Imagine how had it might have been for you Grand dad"
"Yeah it was. But I sometimes wonder, if he ever regretted it you know? Cause I am guessing it must have been hard for him to watch his wife do all the heavy-lifting while he sat at home. Though my grand ma liked her job"
"Well someone had to turn the tables around" Max shrugged. "Women have been doing heavy-lifting either way."
Yana looked up at Max and back at her plate in a quick motion, shifting uncomfortably in her chair. Pete noticed but remained silent.
"Haha no I don't mean that. My grand ma was definitely a power woman. But my grand dad was really passionate about his subject. And back then there were no industrial opportunities like Pete's friend has. Imagine having so much passion for something but no point coming out of it"
"Nah.. I won't look at it that way" Pete nodded. "Do you measure your worth with your paycheck?"
"No but I definitely measure my worth with having a job. I could be a brilliant analyst in my head but if I am not employed I am definitely going to feel shitty"
"Naaaah... I bet your grand dad was too evolved for this. I am telling you right. This friend of mine.."
"What's his name by the way?"
"Ah, Asher. So Asher was also unemployed for a bit after his masters. But despite that he decided to apply for PhD. At that time he didn't know he would get these opportunities. Like these people are simply passionate about their field."
"I hope so" Judy's smile faded. "I'd like to believe he had a full life. I loved chatting with him about books and philosophy and human psychology. He was so zen. But still there was some sadness in his eyes that always bugged me"
"Hey for all you know he was perfectly fine and that's just the eyes of every PhD graduate." Max softly patted Judy's shoulder and chuckled. The whole table laughed. That's the unique thing about Max. He's profound and yet can keep things light. He's like the elastic band - he know just how far to go before he gently pulls back, making sure nothing snaps.
They stewed in silence for a bit, collectively thinking about Judy's grand dad and wondering what his life would have been like. Pete then put down his cup and turned towards Yana.
"Hey! Nikhil did a PhD right?"
"Oh good lord, no. Not even a bit"
"Hmm.. Why do I remember you saying something about PhD?"
"Oh no. That was my dad. As in, he wanted me to. I didn't want to. That's that."
"That's that" Judy mimicked. "Classic Yana response"
"What? That is that. There's no story here. I told my dad no - he said okay"
"Are things in your life so straightforward because you are straightforward or is it the other way round?" Max asked curiously.
"Things are not straightforward. I don't know. As I said I just started seeing things in a very straightforward fashion. It was less painful that way."
"Okay then describe what actually happened with the conversation with your dad?" Pete asked. Max immediately shifted his gaze towards him, trying to decide whether this is an elastic snap moment in the work environment and whether he needs to intervene. But Yana was quick to respond with a nervous smile.
"Oh lord. Nothing. There was a bit of back and forth and he then said okay fine it's your life, your choice. He told me he thought I was smart enough to get a PhD in Mathematics but I didn't want to go deep into quant. You guys know what I do. I am not a Judy or a Max. I would rather spend more time in Qualitative Research than do math."
"Yeah, you will make a good Anthropologist," Pete laughed. "And hey thanks for conveniently forgetting me."
"Fuck! Sorry sorry. Judy, Max & you. Mathies. Math people. Whatever."
"Isn't that an Indian stereotype? Math?"
"Yeah yeah we have a lot of stereotypes."
"Do you relate to any of it?"
"You mean among the stereotypes? Meh. I don't know. I can't drive."
"Wait. That's an Indian stereotype? I have not heard of that one."
"No no - women. Women stereotype"
"Hey I drive!" Judy was quick to jump in. "I drive really well. Seamlessly switching between left and right each time I am here vs when I go back home."
"No no I know. I am not saying the stereotype is true. I just meant I fit into it. Sorry sorry. I should have shut up."
"Why can't you drive?" Max got right to the point, grounding the awkwardness into a real conversation. "Have you learnt or what happened there?"
"No no. I did, I did." Unique thing about Yana. She's pragmatic in her neutral state and extremely uneasy when that state is challenged. "It's not that." Her body language tightened.
"We can talk about something else if you want" Judy said softly.
"No I am fine. I am just wondering why we walked into this haha. Anyway to answer your question, yeah. I did learn. I was a nervous driver. I just never thought I could drive. I don't know if it's because I heard so many people say this to me while I was growing up, so I just internalised it or maybe I am just using this as an excuse instead of admitting that I really can't drive. I don't know. I just never got over the nervous phase and I just gave up. And anyway, I don't & won't be ever able to own a car here. So it doesn't matter."
"We were all nervous drivers when we started I think" Max said. "We then slowly learnt and got over it I guess. I remember banging into trees so often. Oh man"
"Yeah but see I didn't know whether this was a me-thing or a normal-thing. So I assumed it was a me-thing. And anyway, if I have such terrible confidence I should not be on the road. Anyway..."
"No but that sucks." Max looked concerned. "You may be very right there. You grow up hearing you can't do something and you definitely internalise it. Like it just happens. And then there's like this confirmatory bias each time there's a semblance of failure. Judy did you have this as well?"
"I mean of course there were jokes. Like my classmates would make fun of girls when they said they joined driving school. The whole typical Oooo we will keep away from the road blah blah blah but not really. Also again because of my grand ma, in general women in my household had it better than average I guess?"
"Wow your grand ma took one of the team" Pete smiled
"She did! She really did. She was very stoic as well. So I could never get much out of her. Like I used to try and have these long conversations with her and understand her journey but she didn't like to speak much about her life. She would just tell me about how much she loved her job and how I should pursue whatever it is I feel passionate about"
Pete leaned in. "I think people who go through a lot, like beyond saturation point, don't like to talk about their journey. It's like - they just acknowledge the fact that they have made it so far and they are scared that revisiting those stories might pull them back"
"Yeah probably" Max chimed in. "But that sucks though. There's so much to learn from their stories. Like in general I have not had much chance to speak to many women. I am an only child and I lost my mum really young. I don't know I just..."
"But why women though? There are many people in general who have difficult journeys irrespective of their gender" Yana had to ask.
"I mean yes. I agree. Okay so around the #metoo era, urgh... I hate calling it an era - it's not like it's not happening anymore, anyway, so around the time women were coming out with their stories I was completely scandalised. I had a zillion questions around why these women didn't do anything about it when these incidents actually happened, about why is it that they are calling these out now. Also around putting myself in their place and thinking of what if I were the one getting abused and how I would have never allowed that person to get away with it. Like all nonsensical thoughts like these. I was at my first job then and I had a very close female colleague of mine who sat me down and patiently answered these questions for me. I mean, in hindsight she was really patient because my questions were absolutely ridiculous. That's when I realised the chasm of knowledge I have had with respect to issues women face. It made me feel like I have lived half my life with only the male's perspective to things and that just made me feel like crap. You know what I mean?" He turned to Pete.
"Absolutely man. It's incredible how the movement finally gave a voice to so many of these women. I remember in my first job, I had this colleague of mine and her story..."
"Yeah I think I need to fill up my water bottle." Yana shifted in her chair again.
"Yana. Are you okay?" Pete focussed his gaze on her.
"I am fine."
"I mean we can change the topic, but you can tell us if there's anything happened"
"Ah no no no. Nothing happened. As in yes, I have had my versions of it in my life but that's not what's bothering me." She sighed.
"What is it then?"
She turned to Judy and sighed again. "I don't know. Judy, maybe you can help me out here. This is the first time I am in a table with women's issues being discussed and no one has yet brought up the yeah but what about men or oh but women also do this and that and basically diluting the conversation with something like that. Usually I am ready with my internal defences to fight that one person, man or woman, who brings this up. I just don't know how to respond to these wholesome conversations"
Max shrugged " I mean, I am not saying all men are having it easy or men are all jackasses or all women are suffering. I am just talking about the women who went through this journey and how hard it must have been for them. Literally just that cohort. I mean we all know there are men who have their share of #metoo stories as well AND there are women who have taken advantage of this to shame men with false accusations as well but why should we speak about these cohorts when we are talking about the first cohort?"
"SEE! Exactly. That's the level of maturity that I am not used to in a group conversation."
Judy smiled at Yana. "Yeah I know what you mean. Also I am sorry but you seem to have really met some specific quality of assholes in your old company or in life in general. I mean yeah, there are people who scream out #notallmen the moment a woman says #metoo. There will always be those. Same with #blacklivesmatter and someone immediately screaming 'NO #alllivesmatter' like an idiot. But I think people in general are really growing. We are all beginning to understand each others perspectives better. Look at us right here."
"Yeah." Pete leaned in again "We all have our privileges - something that puts us in a slightly betteroff positioning in the society compared to the other"
Yana nodded. "Yeah we are 4 people right here with 4 completely different backgrounds. Each of us privileged in one way or the other."
The heaviness of the conversation lay upon the 4 of them for a bit. Each thinking about one of the many layers that was unpacked in the last couple of minutes.
After some time, Yana turned towards them with a smile, having regained her neutral state.
"Since we are soaking into this, can I float a question? What was your biggest insecurity while growing up?"
"Oh money money money" Judy did not miss a beat. "I mean, we did okay. But we were perhaps from one of the lower income households in Budapest. It took a while before we could start making it a bit bigger than what we were for the longest time."
The other three nodded understandingly.
"Mine was loneliness." Max cleared his throat. "I mean, my dad worked till late. I didn't have any siblings. Always wanted a sister though. Like I used to deliberately make more female friends to make sisters. It was super weird. Like I was super weird as a kid. So not really fun to hang out with"
"Were you bullied?" asked Pete.
"Yeah man, a lot. I mean. Not a lot-a lot. But enough to feed into my loneliness. But things changed a bit once I moved to boarding school in the outskirts of Edinburgh. This was around the time I was14 or 15. I found many more misfits like me and we clicked well. Plus I have a A-class therapist so that's been awesome. I guess life just has a way of working out"
"Speaking of working out..." Pete slides in slowly with a smile. Everyone in the table knew what Pete was going for with this segue. Pete has been more of an open book to this bunch - that's one of his unique charms. "Yes people. My insecurity, as you all have already heard me speak of earlier, was around the way I look"
"Dude, your insecurity has gotten you this far man", Max laughs squeezing Pete's well bulging biceps.
"No man - not just my weight. My height as well. That's not going to change at all man. I still feel badly about it. Also the reason I asked Yana about stereotypes - growing up, I was very angry with the Asian men stereotypes around our physique. Like when I did my undergrad in Chicago it was very frustrating."
"Ah!" Yana nodded. "Yeah I know what you mean. I mean not that I relate but I have had Asian male friends with similar experiences when I was studying in LA. But for some reason all of them were pretty much gym bros like you. Is that a deliberate thing to fight stereotypes?"
"I mean, I can't speak for them. It was, for me. 100%"
"Fair enough." Everyone nodded and looked towards Yana.
"Wait, me? I mean - mine is obvious right? Growing up as a woman, so most of my thoughts were around that. Like not an insecurity per se but just that I just felt like with my potential I would have done so much better in my life if I were born a male. Again! This is also coming from my own chasm of knowledge about what men face" she quickly looked up at the men in the table. Their countenance remained as calm as when she had started speaking. Yana realised she needs to start working on her perpetual defence mode, anticipating attacks.
"So when are you redoing the driving course?" Judy smiled. "I REALLY like to drive so I would really like you to feel that thrill and empowerment as well"
Yana nodded and smiled, "some day, soon"
"We should do a road trip together" Max got up from his chair.
"Oh no way" Yana followed, putting the chair back. "We just got way too close to each other with this lunch. I am not talking to you guys for a few weeks now"
The other three laughed and joined her as they began to walk back to the office building.
