Saturday 27 August 2016

A Regular Week in the Life of (name of the person you are thinking of while reading this)

1.3.2006

Dear Diary,

Today was my first day at hockey practice. My school hockey team is so good that I want to be a part of it and be one of the most popular girls in high school and get so much recognition and my papa will be proud of me. It will be awesome. I will also lose weight. That's what papa says anyway. All my high school people will look up to me and I will be school team captain and it will make me happy. I can be happy.
First day, coach made me run so much. I am fat. I can't run so much. I almost wanted to give up but I am tired of papa calling me fat so I will keep running till I grow thin and till I become the school team captain. I will be awesome.

2.3.2006

Dear Diary,

I am awesome. I am so awesome that even awesome thinks I am awesome. I still have not learnt how to handle the stick properly but my defence was so cool. I stopped the leading player of our team from scoring TWICE! My coach said I was a porridgie or something. Porridgie in hockey. He said I can go a long long long long way. I am so happy. Papa was right. I am happy.  <3 :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

3.3.2006

Dear Diary,

I still don't know how to handle the stick. Which is okay because it is only my third day. But coach said very good to me only three times today. Yesterday he said very good five times. Maybe coach is disappointed in me a little. But he did not want to tell me anything or scold me because I am sensitive. He yells at everyone else. He is scary coach Shah. He is really scary and the other girls are really scared of him. But he did not yell at me. I am scared. I should play better. 

4.3.2006

Dear Diary,

I am scared. Today I dropped the hockey stick when trying to defend the leading player. I know I know I am not supposed to be scared. I know I am supposed to learn. This is a new sport. This is new. I can't be perfect in a day. I know I can get better if only I could CALM DOWN. I told papa about it. I don't know why I have to tell him everything. He was disappointed. He said I should be calm and concentrate more. Papa was disappointed. My coach gave me the look. The look Annie ma'am gave me in math class 4 years back when I got a 96 in final exam. The 'oh you stupid girl' look. I know the look. I know. I hope he does not give up on me. I hope I get better. I am scared. 

5.3.2006

Dear Diary,

Something awful and something awesome happened today. I dropped the stick again. This time the leading scorer pointed a finger at me and started laughing. I started crying. Can you believe it? I STARTED CRYING! I AM SO WEAK!
My coach nodded his head from side to side. It reminded me of how my english teacher did it that time I could not spell 'Onomatopoea'. No, 'Onomotopeoa' . No, wait. Wow!! I got humiliated in front of the whole class and I still don't remember the spelling. WOW! BRILLIANT! BRILLIANT YOU ARE. THIS IS WHAT YOU DESERVE YOU STUPID GIRL. WAIT I KNOW THE SOLUTION. WHY DON'T YOU JUST CRY?? THAT WOULD SOLVE ALL YOUR PROBLEMS :) :) :) :) :) <3 <3 <3 :* :* :*

Anyway. I need to give you the awesome news. My coach wants to try me for the team. He said I would be a good goalie. He said I am good but don't let myself believe it. But I just think it is only because I cried like an idiot. He had to stop me somehow so he pleased the little 14 year old baby. But well. I at least hope I make it. 

6.3.2006

Dear Diary,

I am AWESOME. I did so well. I got into the team. I stopped FIVE GOALS. My coach is right I AM a porridgy. He said I need to let lose. I need to stop being hard on myself. I get nervous easily. I have the ability to learn but I get so anxious that I can't control my thoughts on the field. I need to let myself absorb the skills and not run behind getting it right from the first time itself. 
This reminded me of the first time I bit myself really hard. When I missed a goal in basketball and Karan made fun of me - GIRLS CAN'T PLAY. WHY DO YOU PLAY WITH BOYS? 
I went back home and bit my arms so hard you know??? For being so weak. For not being able to run. I HATE Basketball. YUCK! I feel so silly now. Why was I so hard on me? For that stupid boy. For that stupid game. Now I am a goalie!!!

I am so so so so happy today. I am not a bad girl. No, I am not. I am good. I am very good. Some friends say I am getting proudy. I know they are just J. I am good good good girl.

7.3.2006

Dear Diary,

I don't know what is going on. I really don't. I swear I am trying really hard. I am. I am. I am. I swear I am. I cried again today. I swear I don't want to be sensitive. I don't want to get so much attention. I am not doing it for attention. 
Today was first day of school team practice. The tournament is in one month. Today we ran so much. While running the team lead said to me - you fatty! what are you doing? This is not a beach. Run faster. 
She called me fatty. Like my papa does. It hurt because I could not stand up for myself. What do I say? "Don't call me fatty?" But I AM fat. 
My coach saw that she called me fat. He did not say to her anything. He did nothing. Maybe the world is like that. Bad things happen and no one does anything. Only you have to do something. You have to help you. But I cannot. I am scared. I am a big fool. How can I defend me when I know I am a big fool?
The whistle blew. I did not stop even one goal. Instead, the puck landed near my feet and I don't know what I did, I could not handle the stick and instead of passing to my team I hit the goal and scored for the other team. I really don't know what happened. My coach yelled. The lead scorer laughed. I cried. I don't know what happened. I don't. I came back home and bit my arm again. I felt better, I feel calmer. But I am just sad. I don't know what sad is. But I feel sad.
I don't think I deserve to be in this team. I wish it was an individual sport. I will bring down the whole team along with me. I don't think I deserve to do anything. 
I told papa about it. He just said I was not strong enough. I should stop getting depressed for everything. 
I don't want to be depressed. I want to be strong. I want to be recognised. I want to be awesome. 
I don't know why I really don't.
But I am turning bad again. 

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